Roses are red, violets are blue -but not really... and I feel like poo.

I'm: sad, emotional, happy, glad, motivated, lazy, pretty, hidious, so LUCKY, so BLESSED, crazy, tired, moody, irritable, spoiled, depressed, pist, crying, lonely, resentful, proud, delighted, annoyed, cuddeled, and glowing!

all in one day. Today... And the last few days... My husband would know... And I think I might be growing hair on my upper lip... Anyone else having these problems? Am I abnormal? Tell me the TRUTH!
I feel crazy.
I REALLY should get the mirena out... maybe... But I'm nervous. I'm not so ready for another baber just yet.

What to do, what to do???

Oh, and I am also, SO FULL! I've been eating enough for 3 prego women this past week I do beleive. Not cool! SO not cool...


Yesterday I did nothing.

This one time (not at band camp), Peej and I drove ALL over northern Utah for what seemed like hours searching for FOOD. We were headed back to our homeland and we were starved. Oddly every food thing in northern Utah was closed (did you sense my sarcasm? I hope so). We finnnnalllllly reached a Rubios... Was it Rubios husband?? Well it was a AWESOME taco joint that really hit the spot that fine Sunday morning one day maybe in June... Or July? Was it after the Jack concert? I'm not sure... But it was tasty... And now on to the point. The music playing in this taco joint was a lil somethin along the lines of Jack... Jack awesome Johnson that is. And the tables were nestled under tiki hut type thingys. And there were many pictures of far, far away privately owned beaches, I say private because they were PERFECTION. Places that we both agreed we'd someday love to live. Places we will probably only dream of living and maybe someday visit. We talked about working on the beach, walking barefoot on the beaches, watching the kids play by the water on the beaches, and the BEAUTIFUL, wonderful, dreamy sunsets that we would share cuddled up on our porch together.

Tonight I hope to dream of us there. Right now, I will pretend I am there... And tonight I will be happy even though we are not there.

Cause he'll be home in the mornin, not in 7 months...

I think I've got a anxiety disorder when it comes to him having to go anywhere unexpectedly.

And I'm pmsing... So he reminded me that I'm not depressed. It's the hormones eating me alive.

I sure do love him...


Christmas list.

a desk.

oh please oh please oh please husband! One of those dented, scratched, broken vintage ones from the DI... Please! I'll paint it black and I'll rescuff it, and I'll name it fred, and it will be my own! While nestled up to Ted oh, I mean Fred I will drink my morning chocolate coffee, bask in the morning light, ignore my daily duties, tell the kids "HOLD ON, I'm ALMOST DONE!!!" like ten times every other day... And I will type AWESOMENESS! (which is the best part!) I will blog our whimsically perfect memories, even when they're not so whimsical or perfect. There I will write you love notes to leave on your desktop since I haven't for so long... There on Fred I will make our magic. Maybe someday our book. You and I could finish our book. You see... I need a Fred.


my hands are froze.

and my nose is froze! legs and arms too! Luckily my toesies still have a little warmth to them. Never knew flats could keep them so well insulated.

I'm at work and shouldn't be here. Like here, on blogger I mean.. I'm a little nervous about it, but I like to live on the edge and the adrenalin rush is worth the cost. But I'm pretty sure there wont be too much of a cost, since there is no work to be did. Also, I gave my two weeks nearly two weeks ago... This may come as a shocker to a lot of you since the job was such a HUGE necessity just a few short months ago... Well, as many of you found out via Facerbook Peej got the job at the hospital. I felt horrid giving my two weeks since I had just started... But Peej reminded me daily that I was making the right decision... Probably because he wants to be spoiled with the smell of home cooked meals daily, hot towells in the mornings, and less work for him (with the children) in the evenings. Cause I LOVE being a Mommy and a wife. Not to be large headed or anything, but I am predy darn good at it. So it's back to what I know best. I never thought this would be my life. I can honestly say I ALWAYS thought I'd be the hard working independent Momma, maybe even ALWAYS a single Momma. But thankfully an extremely cool dude walked into mine and Talons life and swept us off into the more baby making sunset and then lifted his face plate on his helmet armor thingy and spoke these magical words "I'd rather you didn't work, but it's up to you." And this queen lived happily ever afterly.

So tomorrow is supposed to be my last day here at Brown, they've treated my kindly and they deserve better! Like someone fluent in QB and lots of other stuff that I wasn't so fluent in...

Time for a new chapter. Boy does this book keep getting better!

Two nights ago I walked into our front room to happily find two boys cuddled up on the couch and another snacking on some crackers in the middle of the floor. Gosh was my heart filled with joy just being in that room with them... I can't remember EVER feeling this happy. Life is such a bad word lately but gee golly, I just couldn't be peachier! Or cornier... Right???

love you blog world.



Aren't blogs SO boring without a picture???


I know right???

pictures soon to come... Promises.



laugh so we (mostly I) don't cry.

I'm so so spoiled! Everything I ever wanted has always been within my reach! Now I can't buy lunch, diapers, or gas... Thank you God for testing me the way you have lately, but could you PLEASE give a dog a bone??? That's literally how I feel! and I'm totally a DOG because of it... I'm so selfish and I'd really like to kick my self for all the ungrateful moments I have throughout eachday and every test.

Good news: My heart has been recharged today. PJ got the job that we have been praying and hoping for every single day for the past month! Yup, he's the shizzz and I'm oh so totally proud!

I just read a post secret that said "My oldest daughter of four just started kindergarten. I stole all of her school supplies from the suburban safeway" I cried, no bawled for five minutes straight after reading that. I couldn't even see to finish reading the rest. Maybe she stole it for kicks?? But that's not what my flooded eyes were thinking! My heart was filled with anger, anger towards myself. I have taken so much for granted! I look around me, at all the comforts that fill our cozy lil home. I am more then lucky, I am so blessed! This past few days have helped me to realize how blessed I really am. I can't buy myself lunch or a coke and I want to cry? WTFreak is wrong with me? There are people living on the streets! Children without parents, shelter, food, or even blankets all over this world! So I cried and am now crying again because I am not nearly as grateful as I should be. I'm kicking myself for being so blind. I should wake and smile! Have you looked around you McKenna? Sheesh. self note #352: smile, it could always be worse! BUT, I've told myself those exact words a million times it seems.... I really think God wants us to hit our rock bottom so that we can be so much better!

I might sound like a mad women to you, going off like this and what not... Bare with me, whomever you are... Anyone? I am finding myself and learning about McKenna daily. I want to be better everyday. I want to be happy with myself and I want the universe to be happy with me. I need to be a good person, I need to forgive myself for my mistakes, and I always need to grow. And, I need to do something extra special with this life. I'm definetly not ready yet... And I have no idea what it's going to be... But I hope I'm growing towards that specialness. I'm definetly trying.

maybe I should rename this blog to: rambles of a crazy Mom. What do you think??? I like it!

In other news... I know EVERYONE is talking about it... BUT, how can you NOT? My favorite time of year is here!!! This is the part where I tell you all about my FAVORITE parts of AUTUMN and you humor me and pretend to care. Or really care! But you probably don't and are just really bored so now you are reading my rambles... go on, read on!

AUTUMN favorites, the crisp cool air in the mornings, the fact that Halloween is almost here, and then Thanksgiving, and then CHRISTMAS!!! the decorations!!! decorations!!!!!!, the smell, the taste of pumpkin ice cream (amazing!), sweaters, corn mazes, of course the haunted houses, costumes, lots of candy!, cream cheese frosting, cuddeling up to my hubs on the couch after a day of rainyness, and also making out in the rain-which we have yet to do and I can't wait!, being even more thankful then I try to be for the simple everyday things everyday, turkey! and ham!!!, falling beautiful autumn leaves, and drives to oak grove! (which we will be doing a lot of husband!), pumkin sented candles, spice cake, pumpkin sheet cake, my favorite tv shows, and GOOOOOOOOOD food! On top of all the yumminess I already mentioned... You know what I'm sayin... Thanksgiving FOOD (YUM!), Christmas FOOD (YUM!), comfort FOOD (YUMMY!)

I've been cookin up a lot of yummy comforting food as of late. I told my hubs I'd start blogging it (as if he really cares if I blog it or not) so that I could always have the yummy recipes. So, hopefully the food stuff will distract from my craziness.

peace hommies. (is that how you spell hommie? I would think homy would be easier and since it's slang easier is usually better, right? but homy just looks so wrong! kinda like horny and horny and homy just do not go well together...) yikes.

My husband bought me a 32oz dew before he left for work because I'm spoiled... so there's my excuse... I blame this blog on the dew.


Let the good times roll!

So today has been a beautiful day. Started with laundry, getting Talyman ready for school, helping Talyman cleanup his room, cookies for breakfast (which I didn't tell my husband, but am sure he'll read this and find out), Treser wandering and googling all over the place as usual, and my lover arriving home after a long night at the office.

After dropping Taly off at school I listened to talk radio which I have been doin as of late. This is not a typical McKenna thing (just ask my husband) but it's been a bit more attractive to my ears and mind these past few days driving to and from my new job.

As I was driving the short distance home I listened to some man take a phone call from some women whom lived in new Jersey or somewhere in that area. She started saying that we all blame our government for the way things have been going and for the way our economy has fallen like a mad women in these past few years... She went on to say that she thinks America is just so greedy and lives well over their means. And all this time I'm nodding my head and mumbling strangeness from my mouth. The man agreed with this lady as I did and told her that he believes we are a country in love with materialistic value. We fight to have the best house, the better car, the best of the best everything! He went on to say, when we our buying these houses, cars, boats etc... that we can't actually afford a day sometimes comes along where Daddy or Mommy of the household winds up losing their income and the easy way out is to blame our government! But, he did go on to say that it's also true that banks and government have aided us in our stupidity. Which my head bobbled up and down to. (because I have been stupid)

I've been feeling a funny way lately... Pudge and I forced ourselves to write down all of our bills for the next three months, the other day. You see, when Pudge got home we were led to believe that we would be paid so many times on so many certain days after his deployment. And believe me, I was beyond grateful to be receiving those payments even after Pudge was back in our home. But August 20th came and went and we did NOT receive his last installment from the military. This was a mighty shame in the Barwick household. We were set to move September 1st and had givin our thirty day notice just 5 days before we received a empty bank account. Soon later we found our account to be around $800 in the negative because we had started to spend that installment that was actually never installed. Boy, was that a shocker.

If you're thinking "Wow, -$800" think again, we HAD to find a way to move! So, we dug ourselves a even more ginormous hole and turned our souls to a thieving money advancement place. Before doing so mind you, I tried anything and EVERYTHING! I called every military onesource and every military website I could think of to get just a wee bit of help so that we would be able to move into a tad larger home (maybe 100ft larger)with a MUCH nicer neighborhood, and none of these so called military help hotlines could help because PJ is a reservists who just so happened to be active in Afghanistan for the past year!!! But that didn't matter to them now... What mattered to them was the he was not at the moment active duty. The day that we decided to get that loan we pulled into a church parking lot and prayed. PJ prayed aloud for our family. for the strength to get through these hard times. for a miracle.. And we cried. PJ is a real manly man sort of guy (so he probably wont appreciate the last comment) but just so ya know he doesn't usually cry... First time since he'd been home actually. ha! Anyway, we got that extra $400 loan from Advance America so that we could move into our new humble abode. It's perfect. Small, quaint, and cozy.

So now that this hole has been dug we are working to fill it back up with the dirt (money) that we need to survive this lil ol world. I feel we've been humbled in many great ways. We've been challenged and tested it seems. and the prize for all of this? We've come together as a whole, and we are so much stronger. I defiantly have changed and improved my way of thinking in a lot of ways. As I see it now: our life is a test to God! And I do believe the way we live it is our choice. But if God was to knock on my door tomorrow, I know I wouldn't be ready to let him in. I'd like to be more ready. I'm sure I'll never be perfect, and I have a feeling that I'd always hesitate a little if he really came a knockin... But, I love him so. He's helped us through so much... The least I can do is invite him in.

I really do wonder if he's up there playing a board game which is actually our life's... Wouldn't that be comical?

I don't quite know where I was headed with all that... Tres woke from his nap a bit ago and Pudge stopped by to bring me flowers (YAY) so, I was a little distracted... I guess I was just meaning to say that I hope I can always be humbled and challenged. I hope I can live within my needs in happiness. I hope I am not a selfish person, and I hope I can always be a giver and not a want want wanter. Right now the good times are rollin. Although they are rollin on a bumpy road, they are rollin... It feels pretty great to have such good times in such hard times.

Well I'm outa here. hope you all have a fantastic weekend! (I think Tres just got stuck in the dish washer??!!)

Good night St. G!